I wonder what people will say about me once I’m dead.

     People make you think that you are a worthy individual when that’s never the case. Soon you realize that for every happy moment you always pay it with years of suffering. You know, its like you live in fear by forcing yourself to these unbreakable vows, then you ask yourself, “is it worth it?” I say, it was a glorious time waiving my scissors around not knowing what I was actually doing, but I guess its time to pay for my wrong doings.                                                                 Laying here on this mattress with my smiles of pretend I realize that life is nothing but pretend in order to get what you want. It’s like I cross my fingers for a twilight galaxy, but the chance of it happening seems impossible. I never seem to reach euphoria with madness filling up my heart and soul. I feels as if I never felt a summers breeze for an eternity, like everything just turned cold. Will I ever get to feel it? that’s a question that I don’t know the answer to. I know I would not be saved. All the lies that people tell me are things that help me sleep at night so I wouldn’t feel the pain as much. It’s unfortunate that nobody out there has the soul to make an easy move to end it all. As of now the rooms fills up with the waves of sound, inhaling a drag from this cigarette feeling my pupils dilate as I kill my body slowly after exhaling to try to end this quickly.